ItsYaBoy

my last entry

My last tumblr entry is related to the love of my life. This person taught me how to love. I unleashed myself fully to her and only her. She has the kindest heart and the best morals. As of right now I wish her the best of life and I want to continue to be her friend as I feel she might have lost herself.

I want to ask her if she’d be more jealous of me hanging out with friends or more jealous of being with my family? I feel she would answer, “friends.” I would too because I wouldnt want her to put anyone first. Family on the other hand should be excusable since they along with her are the only ones that should feel my love. Love for family and the love I had for her are different.  I chose to be with her the love for my family is just something innate and something I was born with. In reality I always put this girl first but lately she hasn’t been able to see it. I will not be bitter towards her about it because i would then become something I am not and something I do not want to be. We make ourselves bitter. I know this for a fact because I was so bitter towards my father for so long. I learned how to make bitterness not overcome me. 

I would also like to remind her about that special moment on my bed. No not that moment of having sex, but that moment when she told me “I am too good to be true” and that she’s surprised at how someone can love her the way i do. That moment made me feel proud because it wasnt the first time she told me this. Now i new she didnt  just feel this way just because she knew me for a few months and would see me a couple hours a day or text me daily. She knew this because for 5 years she saw the way I looked at her. She saw the way I treated her. 

If I am guilty for not saying I Love You or not holding your hand i can imagine what the next guy has in store for failing in his relationship. A relationship is built on just those two things, it is built on so much more.

If i am guilty for showing love to my family, someone with two kids will undoubtedly show his love to them.  As a loving father he would probably put them first over anyone else.  I wonder how that would make her feel. Would she be jealous?

If i am guilty for not wanting to move in with this person i accept that. For i just went through a horrible experience last year that resulted in me moving. I asked for her support and at times she thought i was forgetting about her but i didnt and it just caused arguments. i just needed a little time to gather myself since it was stressful. I apologize for making it seem a certain way, but at that moment everything was unsettling. I accept being guilty for not wanting to move in last year because i am more proud of the fact that i want to move in with this girl now. Now that she is finished with school and now that she will have a job and have less stress in her life. I am proud that i chose a more perfect time to move in. I am guilty of being proud of this.

This girl i love is someone that get very overwhelmed with stress which is probably why she forgot what we were. I have learned to now be content with this. I look forward to continuing a friendship with this girl and i hope to find someone that i can share the same exact love with that i had for her. for years i know this girl wouldnt have wanted me to turn my back on our love. that is why i dont why she did. maybe its a mistake i keep thinking that it is, but again i have learned to be content with the outcome. 

food for thought / food to better myself

i like to pride myself on being able to protect those i love. but i must realize when i do a poor job.

to take on that role i must be someone that considers peoples feelings more than i do. the ego has to go and i should refrain from any explosive behavior. i come off rude. if someone i love is mad at me for not showing enough love, i should go out my way to always show them. never be content.

being happy

can we accomplish complete happiness?

the answer is no. happiness will forever come and go. but what matters most is that happiness will always be what you make of it.

happiness is as simple shopping at your favorite clothing store, browsing dept stores, watching tv, spending time with someone special, planning and dreaming of the summer. 

but happiness can go. its scary to think about but it does happen. but it only happens when ones mind is taken away and focused on something for as long  as two years. who could blame you for not feeling happy about anything. at what point can a person slaving them selves for years see any true sunlight. especially when they witness other couples going on vacation, other couples going on dates, other couples sleep together. everyone else seems to be having a good time why cant that person do the same. even if that person has a loving family and loving significant other, they weren’t the ones in the darkness. a darkness that took over and overshadowed her true self, therefore no one will fully understand. when youre in darkness its easy to get lost.

i want to help achieve happiness. use your loved ones to help you when youre ready. try to engage in those activities you always found happiness in.

happiness was there before you entered the darkness itll be there for you when you get out.

stubborn love

To buy or not to buy?

i often convince myself that the item i want will still be there if i wait. i finally took the advice of a true shopaholic and when faced with whether or not to buy the hat, i did. i fell in love with it. i love the color, the way it feels and the way it makes me feel and i couldn’t let it go. id be jealous if i even saw it on another guy. i didnt always have the best outfits to wear it with : ( i wore it the best way possible.

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the hat represents more than just a material item for me. it parallels a specific relatonship. ill treat the thing im in love with the best way i know how.  i dont make all the right choices but youre never too old to keep learning. it wont always be perfect but ill keep on trying. ill keep trying to wear love in different ways until I make it perfect it.